Many of my friends have told me that I speak well and I can write well. So if some newspaper or TV channel wants to hire my services I can be purchased for a reasonable price.
Amir Liaqat Hussain’s oratory, Orya Maqbool Jan’s obscurantism, Safdar Mahmood’s fantasies and Nazeer Naji’s opportunism would be my hallmark and I would always remain evasive towards issues raised by Pervez Hoodbhoy and the like.
I will talk ignorance, discuss nonsense, be regressive and dilate on obscurantist thoughts but would never utter a sentence which is rational, can enlighten the common folk, is progressive in character and embodies liberal thoughts.
I would link any act of terrorism or subversion to a “foreign hand” and invent conspiracy theories for every occasion right from the “machinations” of Lord Macaulay to dismemberment of East Pakistan to flood-waters to our defeat in cricket.
I would condemn politicians and their corruption but would never try to unearth the corruption of the “powerful elite.”
I would strongly oppose a secular state and would call for the establishment of a “true Islamic state.”
Hafiz Saeed and Molvi Masood Azhar would be my heroes’ alongwith so many war heroes and I would instruct the youth to follow in their footsteps.
I would aggressively glorify Islam and all the Muslim rulers who invaded the sub-continent, plundered, raped and committed mass scale genocide.
I would consider India my number one enemy and would press upon my government to allocate maximum funds to the defense establishment to counter the Indian threat.
My concentration would be on victimization of Kashmiris from "Indian held” Kashmir and will never discuss the issues of my own people from one of my own province.
I would abuse America and the Americans for all the “wrongs” they did to us but would care two hoots about our own role in our “failings.”
I would regard Islam as a complete code of life and superior to all other religions.
I would strongly assert that what Taliban and Daesh are doing is not real Islam (though nobody has ever seen the “real” Islam for the past 1450 years.)
I assure I would solely focus on the “murder” of Jamaat-e-Islami leaders in Bangladesh and would never even touch upon the murder of Sabeen Mahmud and the rest.
I assure you, I would be a perfect media man, fully qualified to be a TV anchor, regular commentator or a columnist.
Anyone interested in my services may send the bid in a sealed cover to my mailing address within seven days and I would go for the highest bidder.